Lesson #7: Pass(over) the Ex-Lax

 



This coming week there will most likely be a huge spike in sales of laxitives.


What do you expect when, for 8 days, Jewish people the world over are going to be eating cardboard (I mean Matzo), and its many incarnations...  


If Jews believed in Hell, this would be the point in which I would say "So what the hell is the correct way to spell Matzo, Matzah, Matza, Matze, Matsah..."


And I could sound a little like Bubba from Forrest Gump if I were to list the many things you can do with Matzo:  Matzo Ball Soup, Matzo Brei, Matzo Meal, Matzo Brittle....


Like every good recipe that Grandma passes down, consider this one a recipe passed down from our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- forefathers and mothers.... its just one that ain't so great.


So the story goes... though none of us were there to bare witness... the Jews escaped from Egypt (frogs, locusts, blood and all) and in preparation for their extended camping trip in the desert, tried to squeeze in some fresh baked bread in their scurrying outta there.  18 minutes later, they left with bread as flat as a board, yet what a space saver!


In an Time Magazine Article written in 2009 Claire Suddath wrote "Jewish people all over the world will remember their exodus by forgoing cakes, cookies, pasta and noodles — anything made to rise with yeast, baking soda, etc. — in favor of the only bread product they're allowed: matzo"   I would HARDLY say "in favor" when referring to this mixture of flour and water.  It's just a cooked form of eating paste.


When I was in Culinary School at The Culinary Institute of America, I was asked to write a thesis on a controversial subject in the culinary industry.  While everyone was busy writing about Wild vs.Farm Raised Salmon, I was busy thinking of a subject matter close to my heart... Matzo Balls: Floaters vs. Sinkers.  I am a fan of the sinker.... exactly why my medicine cabinet has a stock of Ex-Lax.


In my research to define the perfect Matzoh Ball, I discovered a lot about this Jewish "delicacy", if you can call it that.  Poor Jews and other all over the world have always used some form of doughy dumpling to make soups of stones and water more hearty and fill the belly.  After the commercialization of Matzo by
Manischewitz, they included a recipe book (like a toy surprise you might find in a box a cereal), to help housewives make use of this Jewish "wonderbread".  


This food is SO special, that during the Passover meal, 1/2 a piece, called the Afikoman, gets hidden by the host for all to find during some part of the meal where you are trying to digest (and forget) the enormous amount of food you have just consumed... in the hopes of winning some prize... actually, it si supposed to be the surprise... dessert!  My father always hid it under his butt.... thankfully we were so full of matzoh already, it was not eaten.  Looks like the Father in the picture above hid his matzoh under his butt too, seeing as all the children are under the table.


(Oh... and the creepy old man in th window?  That's the Prophet Eleijah waiting to drink your wine when you're not looking)


Check out other things you can do with Matzo in this Hilarious video "2o Things You Can Do With Matzo"


I once entered a Matzo Ball Eating Contest at Ben's Delicatessen in NYC.  It was for a good cause, and I was hoping to win the grand prize, a weekend in Montauk, Long Island.  Little did I know that Professional Contest Food Eaters were going to enter this contest as well.  we had 2 1/2 minutes to eat as many of Ben's Matzoh balls as possible.  these are HUGE FLUFFY TASTELESS balls floating in a yellow broth.  I ate almost three as i proceeded to get vomit all over me from the man next to me who tried to hold it in and in his efforts to pinch his lips closed, shot matzo mush all over my right side.  He was disqualified.  The winner, a woman at least 50 years old, had a method to her matzo ball eating madness.   Matzoh ball in one hand, salt shaker in the other, she proceeded to salt each and every bite as it was shoved down her throat.  She ate 11 1/2.


Happy Holidays!

Lesson #6: This Coffee Tastes Like $#!% !!!!!!

I don't know about you... but when I wake up in the morning I have no inclination to do anything other than walk straight (or almost so) over to my coffee maker, grind up some glossy, dark, and delicious coffee beans, and wait patiently for my house to fill with the aroma of that liquid gold that starts my day off right..... and when I have been pinching my pennies and decide to buy the coffee that is on sale... I usually regret it...


Never mind that when I wake up in the morning my breath smells like poop... how about a cup of coffee that tastes like it?   Or at least comes from it?   Sounds yummy, no?  


So here is the heaping scoop on that mystical and completely blasphemous (and did I mention ridiculously expensive) Kopi Luwak Coffee.... Straight from the civet-cat's ass....  Looks like a Whatcha-ma-call-it.


I may be wrong... and I know that I sometimes can be.... but does drinking coffee made from beans that have been digested and shit out by a rodent-like cat, then harvested, washed, dried, and roasted to perfection before brewing sound like the epitome of Fair-Trade, Sustainable, and Organic coffee?  at $90 a cup, it better be.


So, why is this fecal matter so special?  Because, supposedly, it's not as bitter as some of the other shitty coffee that is out there.


The civet, cute and furry animal that it is, is only interested in the flesh of the coffee berry, not the bean, which stays fully intact as it travels through the enzyme rich intestinal tract before being pooped out.   
Apparently, this process is SOOOOO highly sought after, it is chemically simulated in some countries.   


But instead of removing flavors, such as acidity, which is what chemically happens inside the civet as it "passes" the coffee, there are "added" flavors to simulate the Kopi Luwak Coffee...  mmmm... added flavors.


I would have loved to have been a part of the study to simulate this "shitty" coffee.


I wish I could say that a cuppa tea would do the trick.

Lesson #5: Don't Be Wiener!

Did you know that in the world of food science, that a hot dog is exactly like mayonnaise?  An emulsion of Fat and Water... with the help, in this case, of the protein that comes from lord only knows what part of the animal they are made from.  
Sound scary?  it is.


When I was in culinary school, I had the opportunity to make hot dogs and it was one of the most interesting processes of cooking I have almost ever done.  Whipping meat with ice very carefully until it reached a mousse-like  consistency, and then stuffing into the intestines of a pig.  Yum.


But what was most interesting (and repulsive) was  what happened to one of the batches of hot dogs when we cooked them in the hot smoker.  


Have you ever tried to make a vinaigrette and have the oil and the vinegar stay separate no matter how much you whisk it?  Mayonnaise is made in the same way, slowly adding oil to lemon juice, but it has the addition of an egg yolk.  The yolk has two properties that help the mayonnaise stay together... one is protien, strands and strands of proteins that wind up and entangle themselves capturing little droplets of oil and water within them, in effect, suspending them.  The other little secret is something called Lecithin, which acts as an emulsifier, helping the oil and water stay together.... think of it like a marriage counselor.
the truth is that opposites do attract... with a little help.


Well, this particular batch of hot dogs that repulsed me so was not a match made in heaven.  there are somethings that cause emulsions to separate.  Like time, temperature, adding too much fat, or adding fat too quickly.  I suppose that in this case, the temperature was the culperate and when the heat hit these wieners, the protein, fat, and water ran their separate directions and what was left inside those intestines looked regurgitated.  A dripping mess of fat and curdled meat that hung inside the knotted innards like, well,  use your imagination. 


When I was growing up an 86th street on the Upper east Side of Manhattan, there was, and still is, a hot dog stand named Papaya King.  It's claim to fame was that it's hot dogs were "Better Than Fillet Mignon".  And, seriously, they  really truly are.... for a processed meat food product, that happens to be all beef.


Besides the Dog itself, which was grilled on a tin foil covered griddle, was the fact that they cost 99 cents and were served up by this old man with a hat that fit him like the oh-so-unfortunate Hot Dog On A Stick outfit you see in the malls, and an old black woman named Wanda who was not so nice, but very efficient.   
I went back there in September, many many years since my childhood days of dogs to see that both of them were stick slingin' dogs with kraut... allbeit ever so slightly slower than before.  


What reminded me of this New York Icon, was watching The Colbert Report the other day where there was a feature on a place called The Weiner Circle in Chicago.  They have a black lady too... and like Wanda, she ain't so nice..  she's downright mean... and raunchy.   Sounds just like my kind of place.


The Weiner circle is famous for hot dogs, hamburgers, and cheese fries.... and if that isn't enough to give you a heart attack, maybe , and, most importantly, the mutual verbal abuse between the employees and the customers is.  Here, for example, is a clip of said verbal abuse.  I'll take the juice, thank you.


Now, at papaya King, I had a ritual.... 2 hot dogs with sauerkraut (that had been stewing all day next to the griddling dogs) with a fresh squeezed, right before your eyes, orange juice (YES! I said Fresh Squeezed!) and two packets of ketchup.  My father always used to thing how vomitous putting ketchup instead of deli mustard was on my hot dog, but he wasn't eating it... he was just buying.   from all the fruity concoctions that you could have at Papaya King to drink (how they put two and two together and knew that selling pina coladas and papaya juice with hot dogs would be a hit makes absolutely no sense to me since I'm sure Frankfurter himself would roll around in his grave just by the thought of it.


Interestingly, there are some rules to dining at the Weiner Circle two of which include no ketchup on your dogs and not to be faint of heart since the cashiers will say worse things than you could ever force past your lips in public.  I'd be curious to challenge them on both accounts.


  

Lesson #4: Everything Tastes Better with Bacon... Even Bacon

   

I was recently practically moved to tears while watching a "Jack in the Box" commercial that stated this very fact.  I mean, look how happy this couple is frying up their slices of heaven.  And what amazing fun it would be to wear a bacon bra and drink a Diet Coke with bacon (cuz you need the "diet" part).

The subject alone inspires me to be the best Jew I can be.

I think I could smell the sacreligious aroma of bacon while I was still in the womb, hence the 10 minutes of labor my mother went through during her delivery of me... If only they had made babyfood with bacon in it then....

Bacon, these days, seems sooooooooo last year... it really was the "it" food for quite some time.... even during times of health nuttiness and Dr. Oz.  everywhere you looked, there was bacon.

Consider these words written by some lady named Sarah for Salon magazine:

"eating bacon in the modern, health-conscious world is an act of rebellion: Loving bacon is like shoving a middle finger in the face of all that is healthy and holy while an unfiltered cigarette smolders between your lips."

Ohhhh how she makes it sound so Punk Rock to eat bacon!

Now... while the USDA says that bacon is the cured belly of swine, there are, as we know many forms that bacon may take to please all races, creeds, and religions.  I am not talking about "Baconnaise", the bacon flavored mayonnaise that is for people too lazy to make bacon.  It is, after all, all the fat and flavor you want from bacon, without the crunch.  What I am talking about is the unsanctified, blasphemous act of curing lambs bellies (whatever there is of it) and that repulsive pressed and dyed product they call "turkey" bacon (which wins the prize for the most cardboard-like taste and texture of anything I have ever put past my lips).  These horrifying food-stuffs are for the Jews, the Muslims, The Non-Omnivors.
And, you know that Bac-os are made of TVP?  ......ahhhh......Vegans.....

For shits and giggles, I want you to check out this video proving just how powerful bacon can be to people young and old....
And look how inspiring bacon can be!  Check out this Japanese Bacon Anime .
YES... I said bacon ANIME!
I could hardly believe it myself.

Lesson #3: How to Spit... or Swallow... like a Pro!

The ending to the title of this blog could also have been "like a baseball player" or  "like a real man".
But really, for the purposes of my audience, it should read something like "How to Spit Wine like a Pro!"

I have been inspired by all the wonderful wines I have been tasting as of late... a result of working part-time for a fine wine distribution company... the perks of which include: endless schmoozing with foodies and esoteric winos, the leftover wines after tastings wines with my accounts, or my personal favourite: tasting numerous wines at 9am in the morning before going out for a day of schmoozing with the aforementioned foodies and winos.  Fun times, i tell ya.

And, while I know WHY it is important to spit wine (will get to that in a minute), when I open a bottle of, say, oh... I don't know.... 2006 Domaine Serene Jerusalem Hill Pinot Noir, or 2007 DuMol Russian River Chardonnay, it makes me want to cry thinking about the day i have ahead of me of watching my accounts spit out that liquid gold, that precious precious libation!  But professional wine tasting can turn out to be somewhat of a sport and if one is not careful, one can get very very drunk,  very very quickly.  I learned this living in Napa Valley and especially when working at Duckhorn Vineyards, where I would routinely volunteer to be the wine taster at 8:30 each morning before we opened our doors to the public.  This would promptly be followed by a retreat to the kitchen of the winery where I would make a fritata of some sort using the leftovers of the foods I would prepare for the Wine and Food education I would do later in the day.  Now that I look back on it, that job wasn't so crappy as I sometimes had thought.

So let me explain to you the reasons for spitting and ways you can do it without looking and sounding like a fool.

You have heard the premise behind letting your wine breathe, I am sure.  There are a couple of things actually  happening when you open the bottle, decant it, and swirl it in your glass.  First, the wine has some time to get used to its new environs.  Wines go into shock when they are first bottled because they have spent a certain amount of time living in oak casks, or stainless steel tanks, or even concrete vats, and they get pretty used it.  We humans get comfortable in our living space to... so change our surroundings suddenly, and we go into shock as  well... thankfully we have Lorazopam for that.  Wine, on the otherhand has no recourse other than to accept what has happened as true.

When the wine is to be tasted, it will be evaluated on appearance, aroma, mouthfeel, taste, and its finish.  To make the most of the Connoisseur's tasting of wine, swirling it in the glass doesn't just look freu freu... it has purpose.  One is to create more surface area for the wine molecules to escape the glass.  Think of it like lifting a cheek to pass gas.  It just facilitates the breathing of the wine.   Just be careful.
A more important purpose?  Volatizing the Esters.  "WHAT!?!" you say?  Basically, by agitating the wine, the ester molecules (part of the alcohol molecule) free themselves and attach themselves to the acid molecules like new lovers do when they've freed themselves from old ones.  The esters and acids create long strands of molecules that feel smoother on the tongue than the harsh short ester-alcohol molecules.  This is one acid trip I love and don't mind the flashbacks.

So when will I ever get to the spitting?  Now that you have learned to swirl your wine, lets take a sip... that's right... don't be embarrassed to sound like a Chinese man slurping soup... I WANNA HEAR YOU MAKE SOME NOISE PEOPLE!!!  Why?  Because aerating the wine and heating it up with the temperature inside  your mouth brings out the bouquet of the wine.  To make a distinction between the snooty terms "aromas" and "bouquet" let me put it to you this way:  the aroma is what the grape would normally smell and taste like if we didn't want to get drunk from it by turning into an alcoholic beverage... the bouquet is a product of how the winemaker has manipulated the grapes so that he can get drunk.

The next time you are out at a nice restaurant, a winery tour, or amongst friends, remember these words...  Mean people suck... good people swallow.... and spit.

Chin, chin.

Lesson #2 : How to Cut The Cheese

I just returned from a whirlwind tour of three French speaking countries (Switzerland, France, Canada).  And while I have an enormous list of things I would like to write about, I want to start with one of the oddest and most gluttonous food experiences I have ever had (and for those of you who have read my previous entries, yes, this does include the testicles).  Without further adieu, I introduce you to "La Table a Raclette" just outside Geneva, Switzerland in St.Julien en Genevois.  A place that smells like the cheese was cut over and over and over again.... and that's because it was.  Specifically, huge wheels of the local specialty cheese, Raclette, simply cut in half made to serve two people, but which could easily serve ten.

Raclette, is basically melted cheese that you scrape onto your plate as it melts in real time at your table.  The name is derived from the French word "racler" which romantically means "to scrape".  Mmmmmm... scrapy cheese.  Delish.          

The Raclette is an aged cows milk cheese that is semi hard and pressed into 6 kg wheels... for you Americans out there, thats 13 pounds!  And we were given 1/2 a wheel.  6 pounds of cheese.  I know I have said this before... but I can hardly think of anything more vomitous.  Thankfully, we were recommended some great local Chignin wine of the Savoie region of France, made from the Jacquere grape.  It paired very nicely with cheese for several reasons.  First, it was acidic enough to cut through some of the fat.  Second, it had a nuttiness that complimented the earthiness if the cheese.  And Third, we were told that the alcohol would make the cheese digest better. I'm not sure about that last one, though.  I was constipated for two days following this meal.

What is most interesting about this specialty is how it is served.  I have had do-it-yourself Korean BBQ (where there really is nothing do-it-yourself about it since they bring you the raw meat and then put it on the grill for you and don't leave you the f--k alone to cook it yourself anyhow.....and even Fondue of both the cheese and oil varieties, where cooking or finishing the food yourself seems fun... at least at first, until you burn yourself with molten oil or stain your new shirt with cheese)  But this craziness called Raclette has an apparatus you must use which is nearly impossible to describe other than to say that it looks like you are playing Hangman with a wheel of cheese.  Only the cheese doesn't stand a chance and the only guessing you are doing is how in the hell two or even three people could finish this damn thing... and no one is writing down letters or frawing little stick figures because there is no time to waste in between cheese meltings or you risk burning it.  Burn, baby... Burn.

There is no recipe for the Raclette.  It is the accoutrements that make the meal a real meal.  Gerkin pickles, sliced cured meats like parma ham, procuitto, and copa, and boiled potatoes.  Mash the potatoes, scrape the cheese onto them, eat.  Repeat.  And don't forget to drink your wine in the meantime.

We Topped off the meal with a glass of Genepi, a digestif made from local plants from the Alps.  When we were all done, and there was still 1/2 the food left on the table, I did what any one would do (or at least cheap jews like me who like to regift).  I asked for the food to go so I couold give it to my friend Marlen in Avignon.  But, alas, because the cheese was uncooked and unpasteurized, I was turned down.  So, for the exact reason this cheese tasted so good,  is the same reason I was denied. It was probably all for the best... I would have been constipated for 4 days instead.

So Thank you Marine Gourgechon for taking us to this amazing place... and thank you Deke McClelland for indulging with me.  It was the beginning of a fantastic culinary adventure.

"How To" Series.... Lesson #1- How to Cater a Circumcision

What a strange beginning to my "How To" series of cooking... but there it is.  FAR be it for me to start out with "How To Boil Water.

The new addition to the small but powerful Peizer Clan is named Nathan Ari Peizer.  A little over 6 pounds, Nathan joined us on the day of Yom Kippur.  Supposedly, according to the Rabbi, he is the Messiah.  People born on the one day the Jewish people repent for our sins, I guess, are going to be the ones that lead our people bach to Jerusalem (if by that time it has not been blown apart). 

So when my brother asked me to "help" a little with the cooking for the guests that would be attending the glorious tradition of the snipping of his son (and we jews know how to make every occasion a reason to celebrate... like Native American who pray for rain when they see clouds and then, POOF, it rains!), how could I have resisted to make this a great reason to eat wonderful food that would make everyone feel better about the fact that Baby Nathan was going to be in a lot of pain.  Well, except for the fact that my brother, with the guidance of the Rabbi and the Moil, one of only 2 in Kansas City sanctioned to perform a kosher snipping of the foreskin (cuz you know otherwise it just ain't kosher to do that to a human being!) proceeded to get baby Nathan, just 8 days old, sufficiently drunk for the occasion.  I don't think he really felt a thing, to be honest with you... and I was given one of the most important roles of the evening, which was to carry the screaming baby out of the room once the deed had been done (somehow, my brother got it into his head that the baby seemed the calmest when it was in my arms so why not see what woudl happen after his little pee-pee got chopped off).  FUN!

So back to the food... I was told the Rabbi was a Vegetarian and the Moil was OK with eating Traif (the Hebrew word for pork and shellfish).  So How was I to please everyone?
Basically cook vegetarian food and have some meat on the side.    Honestly, what kind of a Rabbi are you if you aren't kosher?  I'll tell you- a non kosher Rabbi... an oxymoron in my opinion.

Without describing in too much detail the food I made, I will say this.... The Rabbi and The Moil decided that when the event was over, I should move to Kansas City and the three of us could tour the city doing circumcisions as a package deal... of course you know this pleased my mother immensely!

My recommendation?  All the Manichewitz you can drink!
And if they ain't kosher.... bring it on!
after all Bacon is a vegetable!


Menu:
Smoked Sable Cucumber Cups
Leek and Truffle Stuffed Mushrooms
Potato, Bean, and Goat Cheese Salad
Roasted Corn and Avocado Salad with Lime Dressing
Thyme Crusted New York Strip
Grilled Vegetable Strudels